Lots of relationships will go through a marriage crisis at some point. Certainly not every relationship but high proportion of them can feel the strain. But you can work things out and come out the other side.
Let me give you an analogy; if you were to take a vacation on a cruise ship, and the ship suffered some catastrophe that caused it to start sinking, so that all the passengers had to either get into the lifeboats, or jump over the side of the ship, what would be the survival rate of the passengers?
The survival rate would probably be determined by how fast people are being rescued and finding their way back to safety. Those people still in the water are likely to be optimistic because, by seeing their fellow passengers being rescued in a reasonable time, they would do their utmost to last it out. Their ability to survive in the water would, almost certainly, be way beyond what their endurance level would normally be.
Let’s consider an alternative scenario. Imagine that the passengers in the water saw a group of sharks having lunch on their fellow passengers, who were also in the water – while the rescue lifeboats were out there in the distance, but not close enough to pick them up immediately.
A lot of people would probably just give up and not put up any fight to survive, and they would just drown (maybe that’s better than being eaten by a shark?). So, though they may possess the physical stamina to last in the water, probably way beyond the normal endurance level in the first scenario, they decided not to fight for their life in the second scenario when their survival instincts took a nose-dive.
I think the analogy with a marriage crisis is pretty obvious isn’t it? If it isn’t, then let me spell it out for you. The divorce rate in western society is now so high that many couples give up long before they should, and without thinking through properly what they could actually do to save their marriage.
Of course it’s completely reasonable to take this view, but it may be better to take some time out and review the options that are open to them.
Part of the crisis that unfolds, all over the world, is that when people are having difficulty with their marriage they look for marriage counseling.
In some ways this sounds sensible, so why should that be a potential problem? Simply because marriage counselors don’t usually save marriages, they only put off the inevitable. Their intervention merely postpones the eventual separation or divorce.
Sometimes the best that the counselor hopes for is that they do their best to calm things down, by helping both parties involved keep their cool. If they can stop them beating each other up emotionally they think they’ve achieved a result.
The sad fact is that just acting as a referee often doesn’t cut it and, in most cases, the deed to divorce gets up a head-of-steam, even with their professional help.
The most commonly accepted statistic is that a very high percentage of all married couples, or partnerships, who take their advice from marriage counselors usually end up getting divorced. Even if they aren’t divorced within a few months, they probably will be within a year, or two.
Arbitration should mean we go and get our advice from psychologists, because arbitration was usually the next step for those who sought help. But another group, which gets referrals from psychologists, and who also specialize in the family counseling business is? yes, you’ve guessed it, the group of professionals that call themselves divorce lawyers.
We all know that the professional divorce specialist make a handsome living from someone else’s misery. In fairness, some of them do their best to act in a way that is empathetic… usually whilst they are filling the log on their timesheet but before they send you their final bill itemized bill.
For me the catastrophe is always exacerbated when there are children involved. It’s the distress caused to the children of a marriage crisis that makes divorce a real disaster.
I do have a great deal of sympathy for those who get married and discover incompatibilities that make marriage unworkable, at worst, and challenging at best.
Not having children to consider can mean they can end their marriage without too much horror and destruction, though they may suffer some emotional pain along the way.
However, once there are children put into the mix then divorce should not really be an option. If either party is creating an atmosphere around the children where they start to feel upset and insecure, then maybe it is better to cut the ties than prolong the marriage.
But those situations are very uncommon; most couples do realize the strain their kids come under when a couple aren’t happy. But it may be worth working on your marriage to see if you can resolve the issues that are causing unhappiness and concern, rather than cutting the knot that binds you too quickly.
A lot of couples who were, initially, advised by psychologists to end their relationship, find that a few hours of communication and discussion really does help. Often they are very pleased that they didn’t just give up and end it all too soon – lining the trouser pockets of another lawyer.
You really can discover that a marriage which looks like it’s over can be turned around, perhaps even making yours one of the happiest marriages – that can last a long time.
A tragic part of any marriage crisis is that so few people are currently aware of what is needed. So, my advice, is to work harder to resolve issues that concern you; especially if children are involved. Try to work through your differences and come up with a much better solution. The solution? Work on the issues that are causing you both problems first and do your best to stay together, assuming there is no physical abuse to deal with!
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